Puberty and Cookies
by Banapan
Summary: This is story of two PMSing females...and the men who love them. Will Kid ever figure out the mystery of female hairmones? Will Sam ever get his cookies? Read and find out. Oneshot. Pairings: KL, SE.


**When Planets Disalign: A Story of Puberty and Cookies**

Cody sat on the front porch of the bunkhouse reading his dime novel… rather enthusiastically.

"_Harmony and understanding,_

_Sympathy and trust abounding,_

_No more falsehoods or derisions,_

_Golden living dreams of visions,_

_Mystic crystal revelation,_

_And the mind's true liberation,_

_Aquarius! Aquarius!_

_When the moon is in the seventh house,_

_And Jupiter aligns with Mars,_

_Then peace will guide the planets,_

_And love will steer the stars._

_Let the sunshine in!"_

Cody finished with a flourish of his hand and then clasped the novel to his chest.

"Such poetry!" He wheezed out. Then hearing the sound of horse hoofs, quickly regained his composure and looked around the side of the bunkhouse.

"Rider comin'," he yelled as Kid, riding Katie, came into view on the horizon.

Kid had been riding for three days and was tired, hungry, and covered with at least half a pound of dust and dirt. He had been looking forward to one of Emma's hot meals all the way from Blue Creek.

As he rode up to the bunkhouse, he threw himself off Katie and stumbled up the porch steps. Before he could burst through the door, Cody grabbed a hold of his forearm, stopping him.

"Slow down there Kid, you know Emma won't let you eat until you're cleaned up."

"Ugh," Kid grunted as he shook off Cody and stomped down the steps. All he wanted was to eat and crawl into his bunk and sleep.

He sulked all the way to the washhouse. Anyone who got in his way was liable to be shot.

The water felt particularly cold as it fell on his head and ran down to his toes. The shower took about twenty minutes to get all the dirt off.

When he was finally clean, Kid quickly dried off and got dressed in the fresh clothes that Emma had obviously left for him, anticipating the state of his return.

Once dressed, Kid staggered back to the bunkhouse. He was so tired that the only thing keeping him walking was the smell wafting from the inside.

He paused just before the door and closed his eyes. His intent had been to compose himself before entering, but instead he started to fall asleep and lost his balance.

The noise he made as his body hit the porch drew everyone to the door of the bunkhouse.

Emma rushed to the door, five young riders in tow. Sam, who had come for a "social call" sprinted to the window.

Upon seeing Kid's lifeless form sprawled out across the porch, he grabbed his hat and gun belt off the rack and yelled, "I'll fetch the doctor!"

Emma stopped him at the door with a hand on his chest.

"Hold your horses Sam – he just fell asleep; poor thing's exhausted." Sam peered down at Kid.

"Oh."

"All right everyone. Let's go back inside and have a nice, quiet meal. Cody, Buck… put Kid in his bunk, will ya?" Emma said.

As the others filed back into the bunkhouse, Cody stooped down by Kid's head and attempted to lift him by the shoulders… and dropped him.

"Careful Cody!" Buck scolded.

"Sorry Buck, he weighs a ton. Dang Kid, what you been eatin'?"

"Just grab his legs."

After tossing Kid on top of the bunk, Cody and Buck made their way back to the table. Emma darted a "look" in their direction.

"You could have been a little more careful, ya know."

She stooped down and tucked the covers around Kid and planted a light kiss on his forehead, ruffling his hair. She walked back to table, not noticing the jealous look that Lou shot in her direction. Sam, however, did notice the look and glanced in Emma's direction with a confused look of his own.

"_Is Lou sweet on Emma? Naw, couldn't be. Could he?"_

"Well if there be no more disturbances… let's eat." Teaspoon announced.

Emma returned to her seat beside Sam, and everyone bowed their heads for grace.

"Dear Lord, we thank you for this lovely meal you have provided for us. We also thank you for the pleasure of company and the friends we have seated round this here table. We pray this in thy son's name, amen."

"That was a lovely prayer Teaspoon," Emma commented as she rose to serve the meat.

It was certainly a lovely picture. Everyone was behaving themselves and using proper table manners. That was until Cody decided to tell about his day in town.

"…And I met the purdiest girl in the saloon. She had the biggest…um…never mind." Emma and Lou shot Cody angry looks.

"Mind your dinnertime conversation Mr. Cody," Emma hissed. "Especially when there's a lady present… isn't that right Lou?"

Emma looked over at Lou. Lou quickly looked away to hide her blush. Cody too looked at Lou and then blushed himself and turned away. The comment had caught Teaspoon's attention.

"Is there somethin' goin' on between the two of you," he said while pointing at Lou and Emma with his fork.

Sam was a little unnerved by what was going on. Why had Emma singled out Lou, and what was with Teaspoon's remark?

Then there was now an uncomfortable silence hanging over the dinner table. Just when it seemed like the silence would go on forever, Kid rolled over in his bunk and emitted a loud half cough half snore.

Cody couldn't contain himself and began to giggle. He was soon followed by Teaspoon, Emma, and the rest of the riders.

Finally, Sam caught the giggles as well and then the whole table erupted into laughter.

Kid stirred slightly and rolled over onto his back. He opened his eyes slowly, waiting for them to clear. When they did, he was greeted by the sight of Cody's grinning face above him.

"Mornin' Sunshine!"

Something about the way Cody's eyes were gleaming unsettled Kid. He decided to play it safe.

"Ugh. I'm going back to sleep."

"Oh no you're not, Kid. You slept through dinner and evenin' chores last night. It's time for you to get your lazy butt to work."

Cody ripped the covers off Kid, tossing them on the bottom bunk. Kid curled in a ball, groping for his missing blankets. He was determined not to get up. Ike came busting through the door, shooting Cody a look. He started signing furiously at them, his face showing his obvious impatience.

"Alright, alright Ike. We're comin'. Just as soon as I can get Kid here outta bed and into some clothes. Ya mind helping me with that?"

Ike shot Cody another look and left, slamming the door behind him. Cody sighed in resignation.

"Hey, Lou. Miss me?"

"Hey yourself, Kid", she answered back, ignoring the question and continued shoveling manure.

Kid looked back at Lou in confusion. _"Is she mad at me?"_

"Are you mad at me?"

"No, why would I be mad at ya?"

"Well, you just sounded like you were a little upset, that's all."

"No Kid, I not upset", she ground out threw gritted teeth.

"Did I do something to make ya mad at me?"

"No, you didn't," losing her patience even more.

"Are you sure Lou? 'Cause if I did something, I'd really like you to tell me", he persisted.

"No. Kid. You. Didn't. Do. Anything. NOW WOULD YA JUST GET OUTTA HERE AND LEAVE ME ALONE!"

"Lou…"

"Why do ya keep on beatin' a dead horse, Kid?!"

Kid looked around, confused. "Dead…horse?"

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH…"

Lou ran up to the house and pounded on the door. "Emma… Emma, I need to talk to you," Lou shouted through the oak door.

She was practically in hysterics; she really a female to female talk. The door opened and Emma stepped out, holding the door.

"What's the matter Lulabelle?" Emma could see the distress on Lou's face. "Here, come on inside and have some lemonade. We can work this out."

"Oh Emma, he's doin' it again. He's beatin' a dead horse and I can't take it… I jest cain't take it no more." Lou cried as Emma closed the door behind them.

Just then, Sam rode up in his trusty steed… I mean his horse (sorry I was in fairytale mode). He had come for another "social call".

He walked up to the door and happened to peer through the window before knocking. He was surprised to see Emma holding Lou on the steps. It was definitely an embrace, because it lasted longer than three seconds.

How could she do this to him? Emma was his girl, and now this puny little cowboy wannabe was stealing her away. He would not stand for it. He needed to go sulk.

Sam mounted his horse and was about to ride away when he noticed Kid walking towards him, muttering to himself. This was obviously something to investigate because talking to yourself is a sign of insanity.

"Is everything all right Kid?"

Kid didn't even look up. "All I wanted to know was what I did or said wrong, and Lou yelled at me. I shoulda known not to push her, but I did and now she's real mad. I feel so stupid!"

"She?"

Kid, realizing his grave error, snapped his head up. "I can't backtrack from here can I?"

"No you can't. Kid, I think maybe we should talk."

Sam dismounted his horse, and taking Kid by the shoulders steered him into the barn.

"… and that's what's going on." Kid finished.

There was a moment of silence. Then Sam burst into hysterical laughter.

"I don't see how this is funny, Sam." Kid retorted.

"It's just…I thought that… I'm sorry Kid, I gotta go see Emma."

"You can't tell no one, not even Teaspoon, ya hear."

"You have my word Kid." Sam called as he sauntered off toward the house still laughing.

Sam bounded up the front steps as Emma walked out the front door, still grinning from the irony of Kid's news.

"Hello Sam. And just what's so funny?"

Sam, not noticing the edge in Emma's voice, chuckled to himself. "I just had a little talk with Kid. He told me everything about him and Lou and what's been goin' on here."

Now there was no mistaking the tension in Emma's voice, "he told you _everything_ about Lou? How much is everything?"

"Oh you know. That Lou is actually a girl disguised as a guy riding for the Pony Express and that she likes Kid and Kid's crazy about 'er and…Emma?"

Emma's face had gone from a pleasant fair glow to a hot pink flush. "And what exactly is so funny about this situation?!"

"Now Emma, easy darlin'. It's just that a little while ago I came up to the porch and saw you and Lou huggin'. I thought that maybe you liked Lou or somethin' like that, and then when I was leavin', Kid spilled the beans on accident about Lou bein' a girl and now I can't believe what an idiot I was thinkin' that you liked Lou and you were cheatin' on me and now it all makes sense, so ain't mad no more."

"You thought that I liked Lou?! What kind of woman do ya think I am, Sam Cain?! And I can't believe that you find this whole situation with Lou and Kid funny! Here their future is on the line, and you think it's funny!"

"Now, Emma…"

"You got no idea how serious this situation is! Why Lou came in here cryin' and carryin' on about how Kid's been treatin' her. This is no laughing matter, Sam!"

"Okay, okay, Emma, I'm sorry. It's just that you gotta admit, it is kinda funny that I thought you and Lou had a thing and Lou's actually a girl and all…"

"Sam Cain! I can't believe you! You get on that horse and you ride yourself back to town right now! I can't believe how unfeelin' you are!"

"But…Emma…"

Emma produced the Peckwood (seven barreled shotgun, watch the Pilot for cryin' out loud!) from somewhere behind the door and pointed it at Sam. Sam's eyes bugged a little as he backed up quickly, remembering just in time the steps behind him.

"Now, Emma…"

"Don't you 'now Emma' me Sam Cain! Now you get your butt on that horse and ride back to town or you'll be picking lead shot outta those fine buttocks!"

Sam obeyed, but turned around suddenly at the bottom of the steps.

"Ya really think their 'fine'?" he asked, grinning a little. The click of the safety as Emma cocked the big gun made him turn around and hop on his horse with no more questions.

"_Dang, that woman is…somethin'."_

Kid trudged across the dirt yard toward the corral where Cody was chopping at the wood block. Kid was about to pass him, when he suddenly stopped and turned back toward his blonde-haired friend.

"Hey Cody…"

"Yeah, Kid?" Cody answered, wiping the sweat off his face with his discarded shirt.

"Well, Lou's actin' kinda strange. She practically bit my head off today when I asked if she'd missed me. And then I asked if I'd done anything wrong and she stormed off. I don't know what's wrong with her…"

Cody stopped and looked at Kid, squaring his shoulders and assuming a philosophical stance.

"Well, Kid, here's the thing. There comes a time in man's life, when he needs to become aware of some…er…cosmic truths. When the moon is in the…seventh house and Mars and Jupiter is aligned and all that – there will be peace and love. Yeah. So it seems that Mars and Jupiter are definitely not aligned and the moon must be in the wrong house – probably the third from the sound of your predicament."

Kid just stared blankly at Cody. "Um. That doesn't help. With anything. At all."

Kid started to walk toward the barn when he saw Jimmy walking toward him. He wasn't quite sure what mood Hickok was in, so he started slowly.

"Hey Jimmy…do you happen to know wha—"

Jimmy shot him a deadly if-you-say-one-more-word-to-me-I'll-shoot-you glare.

"Never mind…"

Kid was rounding the barn, when he ran into Buck and Ike spreading hay in the horse stalls.

"Do either of you know what's buggin' Lou?" Kid asked, hoping to get something other than a messed up astrology lesson or a deadly glare.

Ike shook his head.

"No, but we didn't know there was something wrong." Buck answered.

Kid sighed. "You see, I just asked her if she was mad at me, cause she was actin' like she was, and then she just snapped."

Buck thought on this for a moment. Then Ike signed something to Buck.

"What did he say?" Kid asked. He usually could understand Ike, but not this time.

"Umm…" Buck looked uneasy. "You don't want to know."

Kid sighed again with a little more annoyance and began to turn away.

"Hey Kid, just give it some time."

"But, I can't wait. It's eatin' away at me. Maybe Emma will know."

Kid took off across the corral toward the house.

Buck and Ike exchanged worried glances. Ike signed to Buck, who shook his head in agreement.

"You got that right… he's a dead man walkin'."

Kid approached the front door with defiance and politely knocked.

Emma came to the door and opened it. The look on her face told Kid to tread lightly.

"Um… Emma. I was wondering if I could ask you a question about…"

"Now, isn't a good time Kid. Lou doesn't want to see you. So just stop beatin' the dead horse and give it a couple of days."

"Emma, I can't wait a couple of days…I need to know now. Please, can I…"

"No Kid, now git!" Emma yelled as she slammed the door in Kid's face.

"_What's going on? Why do I have to wait a couple of days? And what's with the dead horse? There ain't no dead horses."_

Kid slumped and trudged back to the fence he was fixing.

"Kid! Cody! Supply run. NOW!" Emma yelled from the window of the house.

Kid cringed and looked at Cody.

"See? Now Emma's got it too. What is with these women?"

Cody looked at him as if the answer was the most obvious thing in the world. He pointed his index fingers together peering over his hands at Kid.

"I'm tellin' ya…Jupiter and Mars…they ain't aligned."

Kid rolled his eyes and tossed an empty potato sack at Cody.

"Just go hitch up the wagon."

They arrived in town a little while later, pulling up the buckboard in front of the general store. Cody set about reading the list to Mr. Tomkins and gathering the small menial items. Kid was hefting a few bags of flour into the back of the wagon when he saw Marshall Cain walking by.

"Hey Kid", Sam greeting him with a friendly grin.

"Hey Sam. Um, Sam?"

"Yeah Kid, what's on your mind?" Sam asked, noticing the confused look on Kid's face.

"Well, ya know how we talked this morning and I told you all about Lou?"

"Yeah. I also remember you muttering to yourself before I hear you say 'she'. Wanna tell me what that was all about?"

"Well, earlier, I had been talkin' to Lou and she got all mad at me for no reason. I asked her if I had done somethin' wrong, and then she stormed off to the house in a tizzy. And then I talked to Emma and she practically broke my nose in the door. And everyone keeps on telling me that I need to wait two days before I can talk to Lou. Well, everyone except Cody…who thinks it has something to do with planets and the moon in the wrong house or something. And what the heck is with the 'two day' thing?"

Sam looked at him, and suddenly his eyes brightened as realization dawned. And here he'd been stressing all day long that Emma was actually mad at him for something. Sam laughed and clapped Kid on the shoulder, helping him lift another bag of flour into the wagon.

"Ha, well son, I think we both have our answers now."

"We do?"

"Yeah. Ya see, I remember my mama telling me about this."

"About what?"

Sam suddenly realized Kid was completely in the dark…still. Not wanting to explain the particulars, he decided to sum up with the most important information.

"Well Kid, long story short – just avoid Lou and Emma for the next two days or so. Then they'll be back to normal and you won't have to worry about a thing. Expect them to act like this about once a month though – just to warn ya. And Kid…mind the advice about the two days – that's important. Do not…under any circumstances…approach Lou before then. Good luck, Kid."

Sam walked back toward the Marshall's office, whistling to himself. Kid stared after him, more confused than ever. He had to talk to someone.

"C'mon Kid," said Cody, loading the last of the supplies into the wagon. "I wanna get back before dinner."

Upon arrival back at the weigh station, Kid immediately took off for the bunkhouse where he knew he'd find Teaspoon. He didn't even help Cody unhitch the horses.

He entered the bunkhouse a little wearily and approached Teaspoon who was taking a nap at the table.

"Uh… Teaspoon," Kid whispered as he lightly tapped Teaspoon on the shoulder.

Teaspoon slowly let down his chair and took his hat from off his face.

"Can I help you with something Kid? Ors you just fancy poking me?"

"I need to ask you about something. Something about...about…"

"Well spit it out son."

Kid took a deep breath, sat down, and cleared his throat. "I need to ask you about…women."

Teaspoon sat up straighter and plopped his hat squarely on his head. "Well I was wonderin' when one of you boys was goin' to ask me 'bout this."

"I need to know what the deal is with something that happens once a month and turns them into…well…not themselves."

Teaspoon's smug expression turned to one of being uncomfortable.

"Oh…" Teaspoon said with a little crack in his voice.

"That. Well, Kid, when you've been married nine times you tends to pick up on these things. You see, once a month women go through a period when they've got raging, what they call hairmones. These turn them crazy and they's not themselves."

"Why do I have to wait two days?"

"That's how long it lasts Kid. Just don't bother 'em until the two days is up."

"So I've been told." Kid said unemotionally as he plopped his head down on the table.

_Two days later…_

Lou sauntered happily across the corral, humming to herself, her face practically glowing.

Sam rode up to Emma's place, hoping that the last of the mood swings were over. He saw Lou walking toward him, and mentally reminded himself that he was looking at a young woman. She gaily came up to him, rubbing his horse's nose like a six-year-old child.

"Hi Sam, how are ya?"

Sam looked down at her from his saddle. "I'm fine Lou. Listen Lou, I just wanted to tell ya that I had a talk with Kid and…"

"I know…Emma told me that you and Kid had a talk. I don't mind ya knowing at all. Just make sure ya don't tell no one," she said with a mock warning glare.

Sam flinched a little as she patted his knee, then practically skipped across the yard toward the barn. _"**That** is going to take some getting used to."_

Sam slowly dismounted and walked up the stairs to the front door, knocking lightly.

"Emma?" he asked, his voice squeaking like an eleven-year-old in mid puberty. He cleared his throat, and repeated the name in a deep baritone. "Emma?"

Emma opened the door, a smile spreading across her face when she saw him.

"Well hi, Sam. What brings you out here today?"

"Oh, nothing much, just a social call," he said carefully.

"Well come on in, I just made some cold lemonade and a new batch of cookies." She smiled at him and grabbed his arm, dragging him inside the house.

Sam followed her into the kitchen. He leaned against the doorway, watching her as she bent in front of the oven, carefully pulling out her cookies.

"Ya know how much I like your cookies, Emma."

"_I like that too," _tipping his chin toward her bent over form. Emma stood up straight and turned to see Sam right behind her. He grabbed a towel off the table and took the cookie sheet away from her. She looked up at him, a smirk tugging at the corners of her mouth.

"I like you too," he said, grinning slyly.

"I like you too, Sam Cain," she said, stroking his cheek lightly and leaning against him.

Sam took the hint, and captured her lips in a sweet kiss.

Lou entered the barn, still humming to herself. Some rustling from the loft attracted her attention. She looked up, to find Kid peering down at her, a deer-caught-in-the-lantern-lights ('cause deer-caught-in-the-headlights does not work for this time period) expression on his face.

"Kid?"

"Oh, hey Lou."

"What are ya doing up there?"

"Oh nothin'. Are you back to the you-you or are you still the once-a-month you?"

"It's me-me…Kid."

He gingerly climbed down the ladder.

"So, you're not mad at me?"

"No," she answered calmly.

"So I didn't say nuttin' to annoy ya?"

"No."

"I didn't do nuttin' neither?"

"No," a little annoyance in her voice.

"So you're really not mad at me?"

"NO," she said, thoroughly annoyed now.

"I'm doin' that horse beating the dead thing now, right?"

"Kid…stop talkin'," she said, grabbing his shirt and pulling him in for a passionate kiss.

She pulled away and walked out of the barn, and started humming to herself again.

Kid stood in the middle of the barn, still dazed from Lou's kiss.

Hickok, carrying a saddle for his horse walked in the barn and upon seeing Kid, began to snicker.

"Guess Lou's back to herself.'

"Yeah," Kid answered, still in his happy daze.

Jimmy thrust the saddle up onto his horse still snickering. Just then Cody slipped into the barn wearing his usual smug grin and again pointing his index fingers together.

"Planets Kid, what'd I tell ya? Now they is aligned and the moon is in it's correct house."

From behind his horse, Jimmy said, "Cody… Shut up."

_Begin chorus of song "Age of Aquarius"_


End file.
